Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Bloggers of Mississippi, Unite! Or Just Sit There and Be All Apathetic and Shit

Ok, never got that nap. Dammit. I have been out gallivanting this evening-time, suffering through a couple of endless conversations with former law students who have just finished the bar today and just had to tell me about their contracts question and how it was so unfair. Yea, thanks, I'll get to that shit this summer.

I have realized something: Mississippi needs an organized blog e-zine similar to some of the ones done throughout the country. My good friend who posts the blog "Reality Reviewed" recently brought to my attention that one of his blogging buddies has started writing for the Chicagoist, which is a large for profit blogging site, sort of like an independently contributed e-zine. I read a bit of the Chicagoist and I encourage people to check it out. Its a great idea. Since I am a jet-setter and a trend-setter and an Irish-setter, I think Mississippi needs an organized blogging network, at the very least, linking us all together for the common goal of bitching 24/7. We could all blog, from all parts of the state, about real frivolous shit and have like karaoke night together and be like a club, like on the "Lil' Rascals." I'd be spanky. So there you go, cats and kittens. Lets organize something because the only other alternative is to let the Jackson Free Press continue on churning out their policies and dicta regarding what constitutes cultural commentary. And no, I don't think they do a very good job.

The Haters Ball

I was surfing youtube today, as I normally do, and I noticed that there is way to much bickering going on. Ok, strike that. I like the bickering, so keep it up, just make it better. Everyone who posts VLOGs on there enjoy knocking each other for anything. Wait, I have already blogged about this? Can't remember. I'll keep going. Everyone on youtube feels the need to bash someone else for problems or differing opinions. Now I'm just about the most opinionated motherfucker on earth, but even I know when to pull back a little and respect other people's opinions and decisions. This is a pretty boring post. I remind myself of an old man shaking his finger at the kids. I'm considering a nap. Ok, I'm not doing anyone any good by just sitting her. So I'm going to take a nap and do myself a favor.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

A Brief History of My Ancestors

People always ask me, "Expatriate, your such an interesting person. What makes you so interesting?" Well, fair reader, my disturbingly popular personality comes from many places, chief among them, my ancestors. I come from a long line of strange types who have inhabited many places on this green earth and been both scalawags and kings. From the lowliest horse thief, to the highest general, past relatives of mine are both eccentric and amazing. These great people have combined DNA over the centuries to make for a very interesting person, chiefly, me. Therefore, I have decided to dip into my vast vault of family history and relate to you, dear reader, a few of the more colorful members of my illustrious clan.

King Harfongog
Perhaps the earliest of my relatives. This tapestry was discovered in 1909 in Germany. The figure pictured is only known as King Harfongog. Inscribed on the back of the artwork is this inscription, apparently written in a type of ink made from a mixture of goat blood and dirt, as was the custom of the time.
"Be-eth known before all angels descended that great King Harfongog ruled with an iron fist. All loved him, save for those damn-ed Swarfongog's who lordeth over the great King their vast resources of goat's blood. Great King Harfongog despises-eth the Swarfongog, even in death."
This inscription was translated from some early Germanic dialect that apparently was only spoken in this province.

Lormoni Triaste
My royal roots seem to end with the great King Harfongog, but another distant relative, Lormoni Triaste, made a substantial impact to humanity. A writer who lived in Italy during the time of Dante, apparently, Lormoni wrote dozens of risque articles about the ruling families of the time and was welcomed in several prestigious courts. During his lifetime, Lormoni compiled his articles into a loose leaf book and thereby created the first celebrity gossip magazine, affectionately known as "Idiots Divertenti" or translated as "Funny Idiots." While the common people laughed and enjoyed the book, the ruling families turned on their once favorite writer and hung him out a window in Venice by his intestines.

Fransisco La Pasas
People should know this by now, but I truly do love adventures. On of my favorite relatives is pictured here. Fransisco Del Amonoti Armo La Pasas, or simply known as "Chip" to his friends. Chip was a pseudo-successful olive oil salesman in Spain, but when Christopher Columbus discovered the New World, Chip was all over it. Wanderlust is a great aspect of my family and Chip was no exception. Having no seamanship experience whatsoever, Chip was undetered. He sold the entire business, took out dozens of loans from known loan sharks and set out. Because Chip sunk all his money into a ship, he could not afford any maps or experienced sailors. Therefore, late one night, before Christopher Columbus' 4th voyage to the New World, Chip stole an extremely long line and lashed his ship to one of Columbus'. The next morning when Columbus set out, Chip was towed along. About halfway through the journey, Columbus discovered the ruse and cut Chip loose. Not knowing how to steer and not having any crew put a pretty big damper on Chip's endeavors. Through Providence, though, Chip made it to the New World, but a bit off course. Chip landed in California in 1513.

Gustav Deborgunbergunshiem
Known as Gustav the Relentless, this ancient relative of mine lived in Bartovlia, near the German/Austrian border. A local warlord by trade, Gustav was also an avid adverb enthusiast, claiming at one time to have single handedly created 974 adverbs. He was known to have a less than pleasant disposition, but was a world class mutton chef. Gustav has yet to die and still shows up to a few of my family reunions. He always corners me and wants to tell me about his damn adverbs. God he drives me crazy.

Grand Duke Chutney of Vilsmarch
Grand Duke Chutney of Vilsmarch was born into a life of luxury. This relative of mine was known in France as a gadfly and scoundrel. He frequented several courts of intrigue. In his 19 volume autobiography, "My Life Kicking Ass and Breaking All The Rules," Chutney notes:

"I had a certain way with the ladies, what can I say. Lady Disonrei visited me one night and I totally made out with her in front of her husband. God did he have this really bad look on his face. He couldn't do shit, though. Me and the king, well we were tight, so Lord Disonrei just had to eat it."

Chutney died of syphilis and left 402 children (known.)
Lord Albert Whisthurst-Aborgast of Tinnery Hall
During the Revolutionary War in America, I had several relatives that fought on both sides. Perhaps the most intriguing is this guy. Lord Albert was a commander who fought under several British commanders of some distinction in the Americas. While his fighting skills were suspect, the British command truly loved Lord Albert due to his uncanny knack for impressions and comedy skits. Throughout his career, Lord Albert made up what he lacked in soldiering, by entertaining everyone. In fact, when Cornwallis surrendered to U.S. forces at Yorktown, Lord Albert sealed the deal by doing some great impressions of King George for both U.S. and British troops. Lord Albert retired to England and served in Parliament. He is credited as being the originator of political satire.
Only known as Vsldsky, this Russian mystic is perhaps my strangest relative. Born in the village of St. Swithenssky, in southern Russia, Vsldsky was known, even as a boy, as a person of magic and mystery. At the age of 7, Vsldsky is reported to have levitated more that 100 feet and accused the moon of crimes against the Czar. Taken aback by this poor boy's amazing feats, a local Russian soldier adopted the child and took him to the capital for an audience with the Czar. Once at the capital, the Czar commissioned the 7 year old as "High Mystic of the First Order" and commanded him to see into the future for what lay ahead for the Czar's family. Discovering that the Czar's family would be destroyed, Vsldsky kept things to himself and escaped the palace late one night. He moved back to southern Russia and performed his tricks at birthday parties. He was lynched in 1917 for not having any vowels in his name.

Colonel Josiah Tammerlane
Colonel Josiah Tammerlane was my connection to the Civil War. Born a poor farmer in Lawrence County Mississippi, Tammerlane always knew he was destined for greatness. At the outset of the Civil War he enlisted in the Mississippi Regiment and quickly advanced from private to colonel in about 4 months, due to every commander being shot at the Battle of Antietam. During the war, Tammerlane was heralded as the most boastful man in the entire confederacy, once stating to a Mississippi reporter who was embedded with his unit, "I don't give a damn. No, I'm serious, you can print this. I am the baddest ass guy in this whole damn army. Cause? I could care less about the Cause! I'm here to fight, baby. Fuck the confederacy, fuck the union, and fuck you too!" Tammerlane reportedly killed 670 union troops single handedly and 834 confederate soldiers. When the war ended, Tammerlane was extremely distraught and moved to New Orleans where he became a bouncer in the high class nightclub, "Whorehouse." Tammerlane was shot and killed by Jefferson Davis in Biloxi for "being a royal jackass."

Sir Major Thomas Dolby
In the vast tomes of my family history, I discovered this distant relative who lived in India during the British Raj. Known as a quiet man, Dolby was an effective leader, due to his refusal to answer any direct questions, but merely respond in a heavy British accent and divert the question to something else. Dolby was knighted by the Queen for his management of the town of Portmajanti on the coast of India during the Great Rebellion. Dolby maintained the calmness of the town by instituting a "casual friday" for all Indian workers. Decades ahead of his time, Dolby allowed Hawaiian shirts, jeans and even funny ties. The native population praised him for this great gesture. Dolby retired to Bombay and wrote his memoir, "Maintaining the Status Quo: A Lesson in Corporate Governance." This book was listed as one of Kenneth Lay's favorite books.

Albrect Fortenblau
Professor of literature at Oxford in England. Known to his students as "Old Son of a Bitch" Fortenblau was a devotee of Armenian literature and translated several Armenian fictions classics into English. Fortenblau despised teaching, but felt it necessary in order to fund his research projects in literature, such as organizing several trips to Armenia to study the categorizing system of the libraries. Fortenblau was an acquaintance of both C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. Seeing these two writers/professors rise to fame in their own time for their respective works, only embittered Fortenblau who felt the lack of a middle name inhibited his chances for real success. During the mid 1960s all known copies of Fortenblau's writings were burned during a hippy sit-in Oxford. No other books were harmed, but the students, due to their absolute hatred of Fortenblau felt it necessary so future generations would not be plagued by him.

Well, there you have it. Not a complete list, but some of my more intersting relatives.

Life Goals

These are some of my top goals in life. I came up with this list because I am nearing the end of one of the more boring and loathsome chapters in my life. The next chapter is going to be great, so anyone who is reading the book of my life, here are some predominant themes to look for.

1) be healthier
I have some unhealthy habits. I remember a time when I used to care more about my health, both mental and physical, but law school seemed to suck that right out of me. This goal is probably the most attainable, so I'm going to push for it when this hell is over with.

2) graduate on time
I've come so far and I know I bitch alot about school, but I do sincerely want to get done in a timely fashion and move forward. Maybe I will miss a few aspects of it, but not many. Also, I'm not looking forward to graduation day, I mean I am excited about being done, I'm just not a big fan of ceremonies, unless they involve blood rituals and cool, creepy music.

3) pass the bar
The mountain. Its so momentous, that I get a stomach just thinking about this motherfucker. I'm not excited about this, but truly, if this is the last hurdle, I plan on scratching, killing, and maiming my way over this bitch.

4) get a job
I've blogged too much about this thing. I just want a good one.

5) be happier
Yea, I'm not that happy, surprised? When I saw law school sucks something out of you, I mean it. Before I came here, I was in a pretty decent mental state. Now, and the 5 semesters behind me, I have felt unhappy. I mean, I'm not depressed or anything (been there, done that), I'm just unhappy. I don't like this venue.

6) travel more
The classic goal of anyone talking about life goals. I don't mean Mongolia or the Caribbean, I just mean travel around the south more, meet interesting people and enjoy myself in unfamiliar places. Experience the native cultures.

7) write something
Long suffering goal. I've always had great ideas for stories, I just have such a hard time wrenching them out of my mind. Since I'm talking about goals, one of my goals of having a blog is so I can write more and just try to force something to come out of my head. At the very least, I can say this blog has improved my typing a bit, but not my grammar. I will write something, though. Come hell or high water.

8) play golf more
When I was growing up, I didn't understand golf. It seemed like a game for old, fat, white men to play in really bad clothes. After play a bit, it is relaxing. I've never bought a club in my life, I have just used hand me downs from people I know. I like that. I have made no major investments in it and its pretty cheap to go out on a nice day and shag some balls around. Its like going for a walk with beer, clubs and carts.

9) be a better friend
I have a load of friends and I love them all. I try my best to help them when I can and I try to care about them, but another downfall of law school is that it sucks the time out of you to be with people you care about. I hope and pray it changes.

10) have adventures
This is my classic line. I really do enjoy adventures, and as childish as it sounds, having
adventures is my ultimate goal. Having adventures contributes to every previous goal I have mentioned and I can't wait.

The Morning and Mexico

I woke up this morning after surviving the storm last night to the movie "Once Upon A Time In Mexico." I had forgotten how much I adore this movie. I mean, the plot is a pretty crazy, but the stars and the dialogue make up for any problems in the plot. If we were to use a music analogy, this movie would be considered a "Super Group." You know, like the remaining members of The Beatles teaming up with the remaining members of Led Zeppelin and calling themselves, "Kind Hearted Travelers" or some shit like that. But don't let me sound insincere. I adore the whole El Mariachi thing. I mean, "Desperado" was good and "El Mariachi" was ok too, but this movie is made by Johnny Depp's character, Sheldon Sands. Whats great is, and I don't know this for sure, but it seems that the director, Robert Rodriquez, gave Depp plenty of range for expanding and developing his character and I just have to believe that many of Depp's great lines were ad libbed. Or maybe the script for his character was just that good. The Wikipedia article describes Depp's character as an "anti-hero" but for my money I would just characterize him as an interesting psycho, with great fashion sense and an awesome assortment of toys.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Another Job Post, Last One For A While

If anyone reads this blog, one of the continuous topics I talk about is the topic of jobs. I have been in school, for literally, my entire life. I've worked all kinds of jobs, for companies, private contractors, professionals, janitorial, and on and on. I've been everything from the guy who sweeps the floors to the guy who serves someone subpoenas. I've never had a real job though. I'm now soon to be done with this hell pit of academia. I'm ready to work. I know many people out there would say, "you don't know what your asking." Yes I do. Academics is the world of uncertainty, and at least with a profession and a job, you have a certain direction. I do understand the other side, though. One of my best friends finished grad school last year and has since been working a pretty terrible job. My friend and I grew up with the illusion that getting a higher education immediately opens the door to advancement and better jobs. Well, we know it doesn't. The only function of higher education is to give you an equal opportunity to push for gainful employment. My old friend sits in the position that I hope I am not in next year. I don't want to trade this shit hole of academics for a shit hole of a job.
The good thing about having a great friend that sits in this position, is the advice he can give me and the hope we share for a better future. We are both confident that good jobs do exist, perhaps it just takes a little time and networking. I knew there must be a reason I was up at Hal and Mals a bit. My friend is married, though. So his timetable on getting a better job is a bit more rushed than me. When it comes to me, I'll stumble onto something and make it work, all the while keeping my eyes peeled for something bigger and better. My friend, however, should be in something better right now. I am pretty aware of my flaws, but I've been trying to discover what my friend's flaws are when it comes to this job hunt thing. I think I've found it and although I know I'll get an earful of this later, I might as well say it; my best friend won't take a chance. Now, this is not to say he has never taken chances, or he is weak, but with his situation in life and his position, he stays back and doesn't play the game. Now, in many respects this makes him one of the most admirable people I know, in that he refuses to let himself get suckered into a losers game, but if you don't play sometimes, you can't win sometimes. I know he can do great things and I know I can too. Also, he is a perfectionist and a germ-a-phobe and it drives me and his wife crazy.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Self Hate, Ranting, and Pecan Pie

I never realized how many self hating Mississippians there are in Mississippi until I moved to Jackson. These are the people who go around decrying everything and every decision that is made in Mississippi. These are the people who feel that they have to shout as loud as they can about the most controversial issue they can get their hands on and then denigrate whatever they can find about Mississippi. There are alot of fucking problems here, everyone knows that. You know what? There are alot of fucking problems every where you go. We're the fattest state, highest infant mortality, lowest cigarette tax, the flag issue, meth and the list goes on. Sure, I'm not a dumbass. I recognize these problems, but I know that these problems exist in other places in one form or another. I want to hear the goddamn balance, though. We are the most giving state per capita, we are the most hospitable, Mississippi produces great athletes, great scholars and writers and we have better weather than most of this fucking country. Ok, that one is an incident of God, but I'm taking credit anyway. Back to my point. There are these people, who grew up here and dreamed soooooo hard of leaving, so they left and got their degrees and made their money and decided that they didn't want to be a little fish in a big pond, so they tucked their tails between their legs and scurried back to their safe, warm state. Once they got back, they found whatever soapbox they could, and shouted until their throats were sore, but not about anything good. And if it was about something good, it was because THEY did it. Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people here just dogging this state, at the very worst, from within. This state has come a long way from being a completely rural and extremely poor place. Sure, alot of us are still poor here, but progress is happening. And one last thing, MY FUCKING NEIGHBORS NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, I CAN'T THINK!!!! LOL. Ok, this was a pretty bad rant, but I'm just been hearing alot of people in this state about how bad shit is here, and how backwards we are, and how stupid we are, and I'm getting fed up. And now, for my finale, to all the people who are self hating Mississippians: "The greatest thing about Mississippi is that the roads are all open 24 hours a day and they all lead out."

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Music Post

Ok, kids, I had to take a break from blogging. This shit can get exhausting. Plus, I've been addicted to watching MSNBC lately, with the Anna Nicole hearing. Wow. Its worse than a circus, but I guess we needed some new courtroom action to watch. This post, however, is not about Vickie Lynn or Britney or any other celebrity trash. I have been very reluctant to do this post, but I felt that if I started writing, I couldn't stop. But here goes anyway.

Today, on the Jackson Free Press' website, one of their columnists wrote an article about music and what she likes. I agree with her sentiments about not understanding new music too well, at least the poppy shit that permeates the airwaves, but she listed her top albums. Now, I can't do that because I would have to work out like a top 100 just to be fair, so I guess I'll post my top ten songs I'm listening to right now in my life. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have alot of hot air blowing when I talk about music and they also know its not a very good idea to get into a conversation about music with me because I just ramble and vent and talk about how I'm right. Maybe posting these songs on here will limit me, or maybe I'll still be typing by tomorrow morning. Who knows, but here goes:

10) "Volare" by Dean Martin.

When you think about great Mob movies, you have to think about Dean Martin and this song. His voice was like Anisette, and I can just picture myself sitting at a table in a New York lounge listening to this crooner sing thing song with a glass in his hand. I can't help myself for loving great Mob movies and singers like Martin. On top of everything, I'm a huge rat pack fan, so for my money, this song is the tops.

9) "New York State of Mind" by Billy Joel.

Once again, my visions of New York and great song about a great city. I've never been to the place myself, but if I ever go, I plan on listening to this one the whole way there. For me, this song embodies Joel's entire body of work of representing the soul of a place, much in the same way Bon Jovi and The Boss represent New Jersey to me, or John Lee Hooker represents The Delta or Dr. John represents New Orleans. I associate places and things with songs and Billy Joel is New York to me.

8) "Its Not Going to Stop" by Aimee Mann.

Aimee Mann has been bumming around forever, but where I picture her music the most is from the movie "Magnolia." Wes Anderson, the film maker who made "Magnolia" possible said in an interview that he scripted and organized the movie around Aimee Mann's music. In the movie, this song is featured prominently during a break in the action where all the actors sing along to the song, separated in different scenes. I feel like I do that in my life. Her voice is very soulful and meaningful.

7) "Grits Ain't Groceries" by Little Milton.

A different flavor of blues, more picked up and with a kind of Chicago feel. Little Milton's driving lyrics and colorful descriptions on add to this song. Chess records was a warehouse of great talent, but Little Milton is my quintessential juke joint saturday night guy. When I listen to this, I feel like I'm up at the 930 and the place is fucking jumpin'. Listen to this song once, and you won't be able to get it out of your head.

6) "Sounds of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel.

Together or alone, both of these guys are incredible. This song is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to great writing and truly meaningful lyrics. "And the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made." For the rest of time, that lyric will be meaningful. I really think most of my songs that I love come from the writing more than anything.

5) "Don't Let Me Down" by The Beatles.

There is so much to write about The Beatles, but this song just feels like the song that best personifies the band itself. All around, the album "Let it Be" is a beautiful creation, but this song, with its lack of polish and its almost sing-songy quality makes it seem more real. We all want to believe that our favorite band is true to the music and this song always restores my faith. Sure, lots of other Beatles songs are more experimental or truer to rock and roll standards, but this song, for me, is the best example of who The Beatles were.

4) "Ho Cakes" by MOFRO.

MOFRO is more like just one guy, but their root style rock has such a down home feel, it gives me faith in the future of music. As you can tell from my list, I'm not much on the newer stuff, but if you want good new music, that is affordable to see, go to Hal and Mals when MOFRO makes it back to Jacktown and get in the front row. Its bluesy, its country, its gospel and its rock and roll. Get on board this freedom train!

3) "Levon" by Elton John.

Now I know Elton John didn't write these lyrics and well, they are hard to understand or put in context, but for some reason, John makes it work. "He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day when the New York Times said God is dead and the war has begun." Its like poetry as opposed to telling a real story or a real situation. It just feels right and I guess thats what great music should be. More than anything it should just feel right.

2) "Sunday Kind of Love" by Etta James.

This is a great lady. Her range, her tones and just the way she makes you think of a lazy sunday with a beautiful woman. Jesus. When I want to feel good and relax, no one, and I mean no one, can touch Ms. James. I'm a huge Ella Fitzgerald fan and I'm a big Billie Holiday fan and I love Ms. Aretha Franklin, but gimme Etta when I need a pick me up. This song should come with a warning, though; you'll get drunk off this music.

1) "Colours" by Donovan.

Now, this is my number 1 right now, and that will probably change in a few months, but rest assuredly, this song will remain in my top 10 for a long time. I have made a life mission of rediscovering lost music and artists that maybe didn't get the praise they deserved in life. Donovan was one of those cats who hung around with everyone who was anyone in Britain during the 60s and 70s. He was friends with The Beatles, The Yardbirds and supposedly introduced Jimmy Page to John Paul Jones and kicked off Zeppelin. True or not, his music resonated through the rest of the British invasion the way Gram Parsons resonated through the West Coast rock scene in bands such as The Grateful Dead and The Rolling Stones. Donovan's songs are hippy, new age, old school and just light. I believe he will be hailed as one of the pillars of a great generation of music and just as influential as Bob Dylan. Plenty of people will say that is crap, but fuck 'em. This song is the kind of song you could sing to your child.

So there you go, dear reader. My top ten for the brief moment. I'll probably be singing the praises of another band or singer/songwriter tomorrow, but all 10 of these songs are winners and you can't go wrong with any of them.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Blog War Is Cooler Than Cola War

Ok, Blog war is on. A friend of mine has recently accused me of hazing him into starting a blog. Needless to say, The Expatriate vehemently denies these accusations. Although I have to say that my mind has been a bit distorted lately, due to my high intensity use of "Head On" (apply directly to the forehead, apply directly to the forehead, apply directly to the forehead), I cannot blame an innocent, consumer friendly topical drug for my extreme (scuze me, "X-treme") blogging of late. This friend of mine recently blogged furiously about the different rationalizations that people use to justify their rantings or criticisms. Well, I truly believe this new blogging friend of mine is the same way. He enjoys the fact of generating a bit of catharsis with discussing different topics for other people to view. He likes the fact that seemingly random people have the opportunity to read his writings, just as much as I do. In reading his blog, however, he would trick you, dear reader, into thinking differently. He tries to pull himself out of the blogging world and look from a very clinical standpoint, like, oh say, a Southern Studies teacher who would teach a class at Ole Miss about the South, yet due to her Maryland roots, would look only at her position in the South from an anthropological standpoint. My blogging friend is doing the same. I don't blame him, though. He is as Po-Mo as the rest of the blogging world, but I know my reasons for blogging. I like to write. Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor discipline, at least right now in my life, to devote myself to strictly writing, but maybe someday. My blogging friend is the same way, however he won't admit it, so I'm admitting it for him. He fired the first shot, so this is my answer. Time for deconstructionist war in the streets.

1/2 Hour News Hour Sucks Really Bad and Fox News Does Not Have A Sense Of Humor

OK, I've decided to go ahead and get in front of this new show on Fox News called "The 1/2 Hour News Hour." Supposedly, this is the right wing answer to the left leaning genius comedy "The Daily Show." Wrong. This new burp by Fox News is a pathetic excuse for bad comedy. I've seen really, really bad comedies that are better than this shit. Youtube has some of their promos posted and a clip from the show, so I encourage everyone to check out Youtube and watch a piece of this tripe. Besides the humor trying to be an opposite mirror of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, it falls well short. The killers of this show, though, are the laugh track and the eerie similarity it has to the set up, music and graphics of "The Daily Show." But I'm not mad. Actually, I am anticipating this show's arrival, because after this bucket of shit spills onto cable, "The Daily Show" will have a field day. Its like a meat pitch coming straight down and Jon Stewart is going to carry it 450 yards. A laugh track? Seriously. Fox News just needs to realize that it doesn't have a sense of humor and shouldn't try.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's Day

Well I have been reluctant to do this post. I feel like I've been dreading typing this, because I have never liked this damn holiday. First of all, that seems like a misnomer. "Holiday." We don't get this day off, banks aren't closed and people don't really travel. To many people, Valentine's Day is about romantic love and men having to buy flowers and a litany of gifts for their woman. Clearly, this is a woman's day. The Greeting Card lobby rolls out the ads and guilt trips as many men as it can into doing ridiculous things for their significant other. Now, I know everyone who reads this will just say, "Damn, Expatriate, your just jealous!" Yea, probably, but tough shit. I'll post about anything I damn well want. In thinking about what I wanted to write about this day, I started thinking about my own love life, or lack thereof. LOL. Recently, a good friend, exhausted with my ideas about how hard it is to find a good woman, basically gave up and suggested I try online dating. Well, first off, I'm not paying for shit, so that's basically out the window, but I did enjoy researching it. If you type in on a Yahoo search for "Online Dating" 180,000,000 results come back. Obviously, not all of these sites are dating sites, but a good many are. Some are Christian dating sites, or strictly sexual sites or sites meant to help gold-diggers find sugar daddies. In this niche world we live in, even love and lust can be compartmentalized into a search for whatever interest piques your fancy. For me, I just don't feel that a computer screen and a few lines of text can define what a person really is and if anything clicks. In informing my friend who suggested this route of my decision, he gave up and is refusing to give me any further advice on dating. I don't blame him. I guess I'm not bitter these days about Valentine's Day, I just fail to see the point. I guess I fail to see the point of online dating either. Both Valentine's Day and online dating share the aspect that they are both superficial, temporary and confusing.

Dream a Little Dream

I took a nap today that kicked my ass. After staying out too late last night, I awoke this morning promising myself that I would make up the "sleep debt." Two classes later and after lunch, I took a hot shower and laid down on my couch. Before I could fall asleep, I watched a little of the movie "Narc" starring Jason Patric and Ray Liotta. Anywho, I muted the tv and drifted into the strange world of dreams during the day. For some reason, I always notice I have extremely unusual dreams when I sleep during the day. This particular day my dreams didn't let me down. I dreamt that I was a gun runner of some type. I'm not really sure why, but in my dream, this guy named "Calveras" kept calling me and asking me to sell him guns. He said they were for his girlfriend, but I never got her name. I was so worried about selling guns, but the money was just so good. LOL. Somehow, pecans became involved, then the dream plot just fell apart. I awoke to my laptop making creepy sounds and the sun shining in from outside. I jumped up and thought, "wow! it was nasty this morning, and now its great outside." Its still fucking cold, though. So fucking cold.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

News of the Weird

Like I have said a few times, I'm a media junkie. When I say media, I'm meaning the news. I read the news constantly and like anyone other day, today I was checking the AP wire on yahoo when two disturbing stories caught my eye. The first story is just fucking weird, and goes to the point that everyone involved in the fashion industry is crazy as hell. The headline reads: "Are Corsets the next big trend in male fashion?" In a word, no. What the hell is going on with hollywood and new york fashion houses. Corsets? Are you out of your fucking mind? Metrosexuals were bad enough, but corsets? Just to toss some kerosene on top of this flaming pile of shit, earlier on the radio I heard a report that a fashion designer in Europe is marketing pantyhose for men. Ok, seriously folks, I'm not one of these "retrosexual" men who believes all men need to act like neanderthals and regress back to 1950s morals, but at the same time, this corset and pantyhose crap has gone far enough. What people do in the privacy of their own homes is their own business, but come on. What kid wants to explain to his friends that the guy picking him up from little league is the guy wearing the corset and pantyhose. Jesus Christ!

And in other male news, I have to say that I called this one. Not so much that I knew this would happen, but that I knew there was something intrinsically wrong with this procedure. The headline on the AP wire read: "Research links vasectomy with higher dementia risk." The headline explains the story and I, and I'm sure any male reader observing this post is cringing, so I won't go into any detail about the story, but we all knew this would happen. Think about it. There is something terribly wrong with screwing with your plumbing and its only natural that dementia would follow. Now I understand some men have to undergo this procedure for medical reasons, but for all the husbands out there, reconsider. Disconnect your pipes and you run the risk of going clinically insane. My next prediction: "Researchers discover link between psychosis and prince alberts." Word to the wise: don't let anything sharp near your boys.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Rathkeller II

Well last night was HeART against AIDS benefit up at the Rathkeller. It was nice, but parking was a motherfucker. The squares were out in force, as this was an excuse to venture from Madison or the Rez and show off your faux fur coats and hug tight to your trophy winning doctor-husband. As a regular of different Rathkellers around town, I'm always stunned when squares descend on one of my regular haunts. Its not that I don't like them, I guess I just don't see them enough to appreciate what they add to the scene. The best part of the entire evening is watching a guy parking his lexus, 3 blocks down from the joint, then at midnight or so, have to walk his faux fur wearing, botox injected wife back to their car. It was pretty cold last night, so there wasn't enough homeless people to bother the squares. Dammit. I have to say, the food was the best part of the evening. I ate like 3 times because all they had were very small plastic plates. Mental note: next year bring your own plate. The gay community was out in force and served as a nice counterbalance to the squares. Forced mingling is a fantastic thing to watch. These crusty ol' Redstaters from Madison having to talk to the most liberal, most gay, and most tan people is just something to experience. I was glad to see alot of money raised for AIDS awareness and I saw a couple of local celebs hanging about. I'm sure I looked completely out of place at this show, but that is also nice. I always enjoy the experience of being a fish out of water, but little do the squares know, this is my Rathkeller; they are just guests. I'm glad this only once a year.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Its Not Going To Stop

When I was 18 I was getting ready to go to college. I am from a very small town, so I didn't have the money to go to Oxford, so I went to a Community College. Before I left, my aunt told me something I have always remembered. She told me that now that I was getting into college, no matter what I think, my life will begin speeding up. She told me that my life will get faster and faster and faster until it gets to the point where you don't know if you can hang on and that is the speed the rest of your life will be. Today, I reaffirmed that axiom. My aunt is one smart lady. No one really takes a hard look at how fast their life is going and I think that is why so many people are dysfunctional. I try to look at my life long and hard and calm down the areas where I can. Most of the time, everything just runs at that break neck speed, but what I can control, I act like a fucking dictator in controlling it. I don't like large groups of people, I cannot stand people lying or posturing themselves to be more than they are and I abhor music snobs. I also enjoy my solitude when I can get it. The world is so goddamn fast, these seem to be the bulk of the shit I can control. The best song that exemplifies what the speed of life is really like is Aimee Mann's "Its Not Going To Stop." Life doesn't stop.

The Garden

I guess I'm a little late in figuring this out, but men and women really do think differently. I have started reading "Garden of Eden" by Hemingway and its nice. My favorite book he ever wrote is "A Moveable Feast" and a close second is "The Sun Also Rises." Some people really don't like Hemingway because they claim he was a chauvinist. Hell, he probably was, but fuck it. I like his writing style and his topics. Despite his chauvinism, I think he had his finger on the pulse of relationships between men and women. I haven't gotten too deep into "Garden of Eden" and it starts off so nice, I'm hoping it doesn't descend into violence and cruelty like some of his other books do. I guess the reason I like "A Moveable Feast" is because its simple and loving. I'm hoping "Garden of Eden" will be too. It starts out with two lovers living on the coast in France. They drink alot of wine, fish and make love. Sounds like a pretty damn good life to me. Hemingway's women touch on some of the funny and sometimes silly things women do and I guess that's why I like these characters. I think women have these abilities built in from birth, and they are reinforced throughout their life. I have been looking at youtube a bit and noticed alot of Valentine's Day advice floating around on some of VLOGs. All this advice about giving gifts or diamonds or going to dinner. Valentine's Day seems to be a day reserved for men to reinforce the idealistic, feminine traits of women by going through the motions and trying to live up to a "Garden of Eden."

Thursday, February 8, 2007

All The News That Fits

You know I thought about blogging about Anna Nicole Smith today, but I guess I'm just not that callous. As a big fan of her early work, for Guess jeans and in Playboy, I am saddened by her death, but I feel more saddened by the fact that her newborn child will grow up without a mother, and most likely, without any kind of normal family unit to support her. Happy trails, Vickie Lynn.

Now, on to more pressing matters. Actually, I don't really have any pressing matters. Hmmm. I guess I'll just do a wrap up of whats been going on in my life:

Front Page:

This week, The Ole Miss Expatriate is decided if he is going to go to Oxford in the next few days. Details have been sketchy, but apparently, he is longing for his old stomping grounds and the need to escape central Mississippi for a time. No decision has been reached at the time of this report.

Business Page:

The job market throughout Mississippi really sucks. Recent statistics have revealed that getting a higher education almost hurts one's ability to get gainful employment. Most experts point blame towards the baby boomers and their refusal to retire.

Sports Page:

On signing day, the Ole Miss Rebels missed out on a few big recruits and basically ended the day with exactly what they thought they were getting. Most fans anxious for Powe to be signed, but that day has yet to come. Expectations this year are now returning to normal for Ole Miss football and fans seem to be praying for a .500 season.

Lifestyle Page:
No surprises here folks, the Barry Leach Trio, a local jazz band has impressed The Expatriate. He really likes them and encourages everyone who loves free jazz and a nice environment to get their lazy asses to Hal and Mals next week to watch.

So there you go. Those are basically the high points of what I've been thinking about lately. Notice, scholastic endeavors are absent. I'm not much a fan of schoolin' these days and do not feel like talking about it. Wow. This blog entry was really lazy. I ate some baked chicken tonight and I'm feeling kinda lazy, so just enjoy and be lazy with me.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Signing Day 2007 or The Last Waltz of Football Until the Draft

Ok, today is signing day university football throughout the country and I have a few bones to pick. Damn, I've been doing alot of complaining lately. Anywho, lets get to the bitching. First of all, messageboards. The predominant messageboard for college football gossips is Rivals. My biggest complaint about this crap is the sheer fact that anything posted on the "free" board that even borders on being interesting or gossipy about Ole Miss football, is instantly deleted. The reason, you ask? Because the moderators and managers want that information reserved for the damn pay board. Now I understand the need to make money to support that crap, but jeez!! On top of charging for membership, ad space is already sold which makes Rivals god knows how much money. Rivals is a good resource if you want to pay to play. Next beef, Ole Miss has had sort of a shitty day, when it comes to recruiting. I, being the eternally happy person that I am, am trying to turn my frown upsidedown with the reasoning that maybe with some of the pressure off of our recruits maybe the coaches can coach and the players can play, because after the last few seasons, I say pull the redshirts, let everyone compete for spots and get it on! Enough with this pussy footing around shit. Play the players. Last gripe about signing day, its all hype and no reward. This is one of the last great hurrahs for football enthusiasts and its only a tease. All the damn rankings that ESPN and Rivals and Scout do about who had the better recruiting year, doesn't really mean shit when it comes to the upcoming season. Its not like hardly any of these kids are even going to play in the fall. With all the damn redshirts and grayshirts and whatever the hell else colors they slap on these kids to keep their eligibility, signing day 2007 is only relevant for the first game of the fall two years from now. I'm napping now, so go check Rivals for me and see if Ole Miss got anyone new.

Monday, February 5, 2007

A Day in the Life of

Most days, I wake up before 7. I set my alarm to give me an hour to get ready and to make it to school, which basically amounts to 1 hour to get to school, whether or not I have showered or are dressed. I have to have a shower in the morning, so I'm always scrubbed and ready to go. Three days out of the week, I arrive right around 8 and immediately zone out. After checking my email, several times, checking the Clarion Ledger online, the Jackson Free Press and a host of other news outlets online, I begin to pay somewhat attention to the Professor. Mostly, I just look up and seem interested and fake like I'm taking notes, such as right now. After about 3 o'clock, on most days, I'm done, so I go home and watch Spike TV because they usually have some incarnation of Star Trek on, yes I am a total nerd. I sit in my chair and flip between the news and Star Trek for the rest of the afternoon. Then around 5 or 6 I get some dinner, usually a Subway or maybe something I have in the fridge. By 7 or 8 my biggest decision of the day arrives: to go the bar or not. Last week was a resounding 'Yes!' so that usually means the next week is 'No.' I'll probably stay away from the rathskeller for a few more days. I hit the bed at midnight and sleep for 6 hours.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Whats in a Name?

You know I just noticed that I have yet to post about why I call this blog "The Ole Miss Expatriate." Hmm. Well, many moons ago, I lived in an ancient and class based society known as Oxford, nestled in the northern, rolling hills of north central Mississippi. I lived there with my tribe and was happy with my life. After a time, I discovered that my next steps to becoming a full bred member of the tribe could only be completed if I journeyed south. With a heavy heart, I departed my native lands and waved goodbye to my tribesmen and wandered into the great expansive waste of central Mississippi.

Astride my noble steed known as "U-Haul," I treked deep into foreign territory. In a county known as "Rankin" I built my hut and began learning what I could from the new tribe. For the last few years I have lived at peace with them, learning their ways. Unfortunately, my time with this tribe is drawing to a close, however I feel positive about my next step. I do not know if I will return to my native lands to stay permanently. I have traveled back several times to visit with my old kinsmen, but the sacred land of Lafayette is so changed these days, I do not know if my destiny lies with the great north Mississippi tribe or elsewhere.

Therefore, I am a wanderer. I am an expatriate. I am also stretching to make this post interesting.

In Between Commercials, Next to Hugh Grant, and Down the Street at the Theater

Reader! I want you to think about something right now! Exactly how many movies that are out in theaters right now, do you really want to go see? In between "Girls Gone Wild" commercials and after the Super Bowl tonight, I saw a preview for that new movie with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant, and it looks like grade A shit. I started thinking about the rest of the world class crap that is floating around in theaters today, and I realized that for the last so many years, there is rarely a time when 2 or 3 movies are in the theaters at one time that are worth my fucking time. On top of this pure rage about crappy movies, I have decided that I am tired of that horse's ass who does the voice overs for endearing, heartfelt movies. You know the guy I'm talking about. During the previews to any movie that has to do with couples falling in love in the most dumbshit ways, this one guy's voice is always there, narrating the preview and basically setting up the entire movie for droves of women to drag masses of unhappy men to a local theater. God I am angry tonight. I think its the fact that I have an early class, I didn't go outside at all today and despite a decent game, the Super Bowl just wasn't that interesting this year.

Sanctum Sanctorum

I haven't been outside all day today. Actually, yesterday, I only left once to go to Krogers and get some sweet potatoes. I've been a recluse this weekend and its been somewhat nice. I mean, I'm not an anti-social person by any stretch of the imagination, but sometimes its nice to be away from people. I consider my little apartment to be my fortress of solitude. No one visits, I don't invite anyone over and I don't know my neighbors. Ok, I know my immediate next door neighbor who I have a little crush on. Actually, I don't really know her. LOL. I know her name and we have met, but its not like I see her out much. She works in the medical field and has an awkward schedule. Really and truly, I guess I don't care to get to know my neighbors. I like the fact that my apartment is my place that I can be alone. Every year, I find that I am more and more turned off by the loud clicks and whistles of places like Best Buy, the mall and driving down Lakeland. Everyone is in such a goddamn hurry. My apartment serves to soften the edges around my little neurotic life and I like being alone. Now, if I could only get it clean, it would be really great.

Super Bowl Gripes

I'm sure for the rest of tonight, tomorrow and next week, a million people will blog about the Super Bowl and the shit they don't like about it. Before kickoff, I'm going to go ahead and beat everyone to the punch and bitch about this year's Super Bowl. First of all, the goddamn ads. The game hadn't even gotten close to starting and every 5 minutes of the damn Kickoff Show is an ad for the new cheesy bread from Pizza Hut. Second, the damn crowd is about as dead as Dillenger. What do you expect, though, when its made up of corporate executives, rich assholes who just decided to go, and a handful of hard core fans from each side that took out a second mortgage to be able to go to Miami. Last of all, the commentators have to be the worst of all time, from down on the field to up in the booth. I cannot fucking stand them. There you go, I went ahead and got this shit off my chest. I'm not sure who to pull for, but I guess I'll roll with the Colts on this one for Manning, so hopefully a win here for him will rub off on his little brother who is most assuredly there watching.

The Humanitarian Caffeine Addict

Ok, its about 3:15 in the morning and I'm still up. I can't fucking sleep. I've been drinking waaaaayyyyy too much diet coke tonight and having a long and drawn out conversation with a friend about the job market.

The minutes of the meeting:

No conclusions reached about potential jobs or job opportunities.

The meeting was concluded and no new business was introduced.

I'm not much on parliamentarian procedure, so that's the best I can do. I'm at that point of going crazy for lack of sleep. Among the movies I watched today: Red Dawn, Beloved, and Anchorman. My insanity apparently knows no bounds. Currently I am, or I guess I was, brainstorming about what to do with the next 60 or so years of my life, but I still can't find anything to do. Something to do with money, though. Yes, I like money. LOL. Been reading blogs and sifting through my friends on Myspace, of which I only have around 30 or so. I saw one person who had like 350 friends. I don't even know 100 people. How the hell can you have 300 friends?

Back to the job thing. Its like everytime I think of something interesting to do, I figure out how to talk myself out of it because it is trite, or exhaustively tedious, or just shitty. I'm not sure why I think that way. I want to do something I can be passionate about, but at the same time, treat as a job and not missionary work. As you can tell from my previous post, I'm not much on the volunteer thing, these days. I owe too much money to the wizard and Oz demands you pay up in a timely fashion. I enjoy writing, or at least pretending to write, but I have severe writers block when it comes to fiction. If I could unhook my creative lines, I would try to spend the rest of my life writing and not giving a shit about entering the rat race at the back of the pack, because the way things stand today, entry level is all that awaits, even for a legal eagle like myself. The funny thing is, I don't really like eagles that much. Funny, huh?

A homeless guy asked me for 62 cents last night, when I was parking in front of the rathskeller. 62 cents? Come on. I told him I only had my debit card, which was the truth. Well, maybe I had 62 cents in the console of my car, but seriously, I know he didn't want 62 cents worth of pennies covered in a sticky concoction of Fire sauce from Taco Bell and diet coke. I felt like I was doing him a favor, but that's just the kind of humanitarian I am.

I added a counter to this blog, a few days after I started posting, and now its up to a hundred. The only problem with it is it counts me when I log in, so I think its a bit inflated. Then again, I doubt anyone really reads this shit. I guess I just write this for catharsis, hell, I don't even know if I'm getting that out of posting on this site. I post alot, so maybe I am getting something out of this.

I think priorities is what I need. I need to prioritize what I want out of life, then maybe I would be able to settle on something to do with the next few decades. Hmmm. Made it back to jobs. Now I'm getting sleepy. Hell, maybe the only good thing about blogging is it will make you sleepy at 3:30 in the morning, or maybe the fucking caffeine is finally wearing off.

Saturday, February 3, 2007


Hypocrisy is a funny thing. Its funny when it looks you in the eye and shakes your hand and you say "good to see you" and he responds, "you too, and enjoy the evening." Its just funny to me. Its very funny when you pull the curtain back and find the wizard to be a bumbling old man and his hypocrisy just can't be justified. Its funny, but not "ha-ha" funny. I have to tell you, fair reader, its hard blogging, knowing the wizard might be watching. I write anyway, though.
I don't have alot to say today, I just go through watching "Beloved" and was very disturbed by it. Its about a traumatized woman, an ex-slave who undergoes terrible trials in her life after slavery. The story reflects many of the struggles of women and the dangers of mental instability. Like I said, not much to write today, I'm just sort of bored. Last night was pretty boring, despite a raging crowd surrounding me. God I need a new book.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Remember, Feed Your Head

I am a media junkie. Really, I am. I watch close to 6 to 8 hours of news every day and night and constantly check local media sources on the internet. So I'm watching "Live Desk" at lunch while I enjoyed my Subway sandwich and they had an intriguing story about this new website being sponsored by Columbia University called "" This website is primarily devoted to student questions regarding sex and sexuality. Obviously, Fox News had to have a panel of experts to debate the website. Lots of bickering, not much substance and that was the end of the segment. While I was watching the talking heads debate the merits of this website, the caption at the bottom of the screen said "Is Goaskalice your child's college sex advisor?" Amazing. The word "child" is what intrigues me. Now, I consider myself an old fogey who doesn't really like anyone younger than myself, but come on Fox News. I'm sorry to inform them that kids in my day and today got their sex advice in Jr. High and High School. These aren't "kids" in college. I know everyone would like to believe their children are still children at 19 and 20, but think about it! They are 19 and 20!! When does a person get to call themselves adults? I have no opinion on this website, except to say that Fox News, for all its "moral correctness" provided some great advertising for Oh yea, of course I had to go check the website out and its pretty low-key. This is the internet, folks. You see and hear racier stuff on youtube.