Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Dumb Fucking Celebrities

Years and years ago, back in the dim times, before the last ice age ended, a little show popped up on television called "The Simple Life." Now when I heard about this show, I have to say I was initially excited. I know, I know, dear reader. "How can the Expatriate confess this sin! He is a critic through and through. Well I am, but we all have our failings. Perfection is not of this earth. Anywho, I began watching the show with the hope of this "fish out of water" story heralding a new era where everyone would wise up about just how distant and delusional celebrities are. At the start, it was funny. I liked watching Paris and Nicole fall face first into a big steaming pile of horse shit. I liked when Paris asked, with all sincerity, "what is walmart?" Now I'm just sick of it. After a couple of seasons, their stock has just risen. A few sex tapes later, and they are "businesswomen." Jesus.
Lets do the rundown of how detached celebrities are.
1) Tom Cruise- what can you say about this guy? I love to hear that he has "handlers." LOL. Its like he is a rare white tiger who everyone is hoping will breed. I can only hope for sterility. Whoops. Too late.
2) John Travolta- Vincent Vega recently was quoted as saying "I'm as big as Elvis and Marilyn." Yea right. The last great movie you did was "Pulp Fiction." You and Tom need to leave the Scientology at the alien temple or wherever the hell you worship and maybe borrow a few of Cruise's handlers.
3) Alec Baldwin- Nice tirade on the answering machine. Calling your twelve year old daughter a "pig." Gosh, I just know she'll grow up with no emotional issues.
4) Paris, Britney, Nicole, and Lindsey- Remember that episode of "Southpark" where everyone was shopping at that store called "Dumb Slut" or something like that? LOL.
There are tons of shows like "The Simple Life" around. Celebrity Fit Club, I love New York, and the Surreal World as just a few examples. As you can tell I have gotten tired of using quotes. Anywho, I propose a new idea for a celebrity show. This show would be called "Really Real Life." They get a bunch of self absorbed celebrities that can't keep their fucking mouths shut or keep from doing stupid shit and make them live together. Sounds familiar, right? Wrong. In this show, these celebrities agree to freeze all their assets and money for the period of one year. They all have to move to south Mississippi and live in a 4 bedroom, small house. On top of that, since they don't have money, they all have to use their own skills and educations to get jobs. Local regular jobs, not a bunch of made up shit. Then they have to pay rent, food, living expense and everything. They can only take with them the clothes on their backs. No cellphones, pdas, computers, nothing. They have to aquire everything as they go along. I think it would be great. Morgan Spurlock, the guy from "Supersize Me" did this experiment with his wife for 30 days on his show, "30 Days." It was a real struggle for him and his wife, and they seem like level-headed people. Imagine Tom Cruise, John Travola, Paris Hilton, Rosie O'Donnell and Alec Baldwin trying to get a job at a school or factory. So thats my pitch, someone get on the phone to Hollywood and get it produced.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

The Future

Its such a nice day I decided to sit out on my balcony at my apartment. Its almost a perfect 71 degrees with a slight breeze. This week has been an unending, escalating horror story of stress in my life and today I had to realize that I can't keep worrying about everything. There is so much other shit to worry about instead of papers, exams, bar applications and other frivolous shyte. I'm sick to death of the bullshit my professors keep churning out about getting everything done on time. I'm so tired of these arbitrary deadlines. I just can't take anymore of this crap seriously. I took 3 years out of my life to stay in school and finish an advanced degree. Now at the end, instead of a congratulations and a high paying job, I get informed that the market is too saturated and a "good luck" with a kick on the ass. Gee, thanks. Just from estimating, I'd say
that about 25% of my class have jobs lined up for after school.

You know, I should probably use this for a basis of a writing career. Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, throughout his career, was searching for "The Death of The American Dream." That was his generation, so could my mission be to search for my generation's Dream? What would my generation's Dream be? I have mulled over this idea a few times. Maybe instead of a rebellion against establishment, maybe my generation is meant to "re-establish." Found the new cornerstone of society in a better image than something flighty like the hippies and less centralized like the early Gen Xers. I guess I'm a Gen Xer, but I don't feel like it. Gen X has always been marked with cynicism and critical thought. These ideas, though, are the afterthought of a previous generation feeling guilty about their own past and passed on to their children. Why the fuck should my generation be bound by these rules?

This post is pretty rambling because I just can't get this generational thing out of my mind.

I've seen some of the future leaders of my generation and I have to say that I don't trust the bulk of those fuckers. A bunch of over achieving, soulless, soccer moms and future politicos.

Future Writers:
1) Fratire Male Writers
2) Self-Deprecating Oversexualized Women
3) Ph.D.s in Pop Culture
4) Sport Statiticians
5) Musicologists with advanced work in Hip-Hop as a literary form

Future Politicians:
1) Standard White Republicans
2) Housewife "I'm still 'down' with my kids' Politico
3) Retrocrats that only talk about Reagan and Goldwater

Future Business Leaders:
1) Socially Awkward Nerd that invented the next Internet
2) Face Guys
3) Soccer Mom/Attorney/Soulless Bitch
4) Publishers and Editors of Independent Press magazines and newspapers

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Generational War

Whats this generation gulf between us? Take a look at the captains of industry, politics and just your local friendly neighborhood bosses. There is clearly something going on. I have bitched and moaned for years to anyone who would listen about the problem that exists between my generation (people in their 20s) and the generation above (people in their 40s and 50s.) Johnny Cash wrote a good song about it, something about a different tune and about young people dancing a new step that the old cats of the world don't understand. Whats funny is that song was written from the Baby Boomers to the Greatest Generation. The Baby Boomers were supposed to shake up the world completely, change everything. They were supposed to be the Hippy generation, the generation of change, the generation of hope. Everything they stood for, now, has gone by the wayside in favor of praying for their Social Security and co-opting great songs of the Sixties for Cadillac commercials. It used to be perverse to utilize a song for a strictly shitty commercial purpose, but now its the only way. Its become old hat, but its still sickening to people that cared. The goddamn Hippies who grew up to be investment bankers didn't realize that they passed down their ideas, whether song or literature, to a generation who would get saturated with it. My generation has grown up revering the same things the Baby Boomers did, the difference being we can't appreciate them and use them. They are like isolated instances, only reserved for a previous time. The Baby Boomers have raped the planet, spent wildly without recourse, and convinced a generation, my generation, to be subservient.

Plenty of times I have talked about jobs on here. Always I shift the blame to the Baby Boomers for not retiring or just getting the hell out of the way. A professor of mine recently commented that he was happy that I would have to pay his Social Security and he wouldn't have to worry because he and his ilk (the rest of the Baby Boomers) would be taken care of. In a sarcastic tone, he stated that my generation was another story, basically implying we are screwed. What my professor failed to realize is with that kind of attitude, which I hear everyday from a generation that just can't keep up with mine, is that we will have the keys eventually. Soon, whether the Boomers like it or not, they will have to turn the keys to the country over to my generation. Social Security is a privilege in this country, not a right. Remember that professor.

The generation gulf only gets bigger everyday. Recently a friend of mine tried to explain a relatively new idea about parenting to an older Boomer. The Boomer just couldn't wrap his elderly head around it. He didn't believe it. Its just like back in the Wright Brothers days. I can just see it. Some old timer sitting on a porch, swearing up and down that man will never fly. No way, he would shout to the heavens. Flash forward a couple of decades and Japanese Zeros are bombing Pearl Harbor. The gulf has always been there, and I'm sick of trying to span in backwards to let the Boomers catch up. I'm sick of job retraining, Internet courses for non-traditional students and "Video Professor" for soon-to-be retirees trying to figure out how to operate Myspace. All of these are code for "I'm stuck in my ways and I hate technology." My patience is wearing thin for anyone who cannot at least accept new things and new ways.

So whats the answer? Do we bridge the gulf and help the Boomers retire peacefully? Maybe there will be a generational war of attrition with my generation rising up and crushing the establishment. Maybe it will be a bloodless revolution in which we just simply put the Boomers out to pasture and let them quietly slip away. All I do know is my generation has a lot of shit to fix that has been fucked up by an older, self-righteous, war mongering, deficit spending, bunch of lunatics. I'm sick of them and I'm ready for my generation to get their turn at running this big blue planet.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Kurt Vonnegut: 1922-2007

Kurt Vonnegut died today. He was one of the last of a great generation of writers among the likes were Heller, Kerouac, Thompson and a few others. Vonnegut was part of the 'Greatest Generation,' but saw the horror of WWII and was not blinded by any patriotic virtues. This was reflected in his writing throughout his life regarding the ridiculousness of war and the winding corridors of insanity. He was 84 years old and suffered brain trauma from a fall in his apartment.

Everyone loves "Breakfast of Champions" and "Slaughterhouse-5" but I have to say that my favorite was "Galapagos." I encourage everyone to grab a Vonnegut book and get lost in it. Its pretty easy to do.

Happy Trails Billy Pilgrim. See you across the River.

Money and Death

Yesterday we had our 'scared straight' infomercial about repaying out student loans. I expected to see a mangled older guy wearing prison blues to come in and scream at us about being a bitch in prison because he couldn't make his payments. Fortunately, my imagination is never as good as reality. We all crammed ourselves into a room and a contracted company displayed powerpoint presentation featuring such hits as, "Make a Budget! Don't Forget to Save!" and everyone's favorite, "Consolidation Blues." After a full hour of this tripe, I noticed that a recurring phrase was "death or permanent physical incapacitation will discharge your loans." Its like they were alluding to the fact that the only way you get out of paying is dying or suffering a horrible head injury. As if there is no way to pay your loans in full and the only fate you have to look forward to is being 80 and still paying a couple of grand a month in loan payments or dying and getting out of it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Way Too Busy

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, gang. I'm trying to handle some school stuff that is kicking my ass these past few days. Also, I have like a million other things going on in my life. School has become a burden on my life and I'm exhausted with it. The countdown is on, though.

I did want to mention, I'm not a Sanjaya fan. It seems like everyone has signed onto "Idolatry" in this country, but not this blogger. I promise I'll blog soon with some good shit.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Media Pushes Agenda: Film at Eleven

So I went and watched Karaoke yesterday. One of the local self righteous media outlets hosted Karaoke with the majority of people singing coming from the staff of this media outlet. To say it was bad is putting it lightly. And not bad in a funny way, but more like bad in a sad way. Wow. I am really downing on them. I guess lately I have just been so pissed at their publication due to their agenda. What the fuck happened with the media world, where everyone has to have an agenda? Recently this media publication had a lead story on a local plaintiff's attorney who is running for governor. On the interior of the story the headline read: "Jesus rode a donkey." Jesus Christ, if that isn't a bias, one sided endorsement of a candidate, I don't know what is. Also, this plaintiff's attorney and Jesus have some SERIOUS disparities when it comes to character. LOL. Anywho, I'm just sick to death of media and local media for that matter, pushing a specific agenda based on their view of the world. Either make the news or report it, you stupid fucks, make a goddamn choice.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

The New Pornography

I think it was "Fight Club" that made the point that the new pornography was IKEA and home furnishings. People staying up late, ordering nesting materials from Scandinavian companies that deal in decor for your home that produces the same rush of endorphins that heroin does. I find myself drawn to that, but in a different way. Its pretty late and I have found that I am drawn to the new home channel on television. Instead of some great public access show with either local wrestling or some crazy preacher smoking dope, here in the 'Burbs of Jacktown we have our own brand of local porno. Its the new home channel. "Great new homes, starting in the $140s! Beautiful 2 year old starter home in the 'Burbs, only $795 a month!" With what I pay in rent, this channel is like a forbidden fruit, luring me in, and at the very least teasing me like a stripper named Candy who is wearing not much more than a napkin.

The people of my generation dream and fantasize not necessarily about the furnishings of the home, like in "Fight Club" but of the home itself. My generation is one of indentured servants who only stay up late, fantasizing about owning a home, free and clear, as if we were looking at a copy of "Hustler."

Sunday, April 1, 2007


I have discovered the greatest country music singer/songwriter of all time. Ok, wait. Strike that. I have discovered two of the greatest country/western singer /songwriters of all time. Hells bells, these boys is where its at! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, may I present Billy Joe Shaver and Unknown Hinson. For whatever reason tonight, seeing as I'm bored as shit and can't drag myself to write anything meaningful on here or to my stories I'm working on, I felt it was my God given duty to investigate kick ass singers who participate in my favorite cartoon, "Squidbillies." Unknown Hinson is a country singer who voices the main character in "Squidbillies" and Billy Joe Shaver performs the theme song to the show. Both equally great in their lyrics and styles, I suggest every one of you sons of bitches get your asses on Myspace and look them the hell up. Jesus, I'm feeling pretty redneck tonight.
Since I'm feeling pretty redneck tonight, I'm going to red-state it up for you bitches out there, so here are a few of my gripes, hates, and favorite things, speaking from my redneck perspective this eveningtime.
Frank Melton: What the fuck is his problem? Get with the program and do you damn job.
Censorship: Censor this, motherfucker.
The Clarion Ledger: Wake the hell up and smell the corruption.
The Jackson Free Press: Quit patting yourself on the back, your not that important.
Jam Bands: Get a damn job or play better music.
Jackasses: Yea, I can't stand you bastards.
Liberals: Not everything is Bush's fault. Just most things.
Conservatives: Not everything can be solved by Hank Williams Jr. Just most things.
NRA: Your membership dues are too fucking expensive.
ACLU: Your not the sole protector of the Constitution. I am.

Drugs: Crack and Crystal and all that other shit.
50 year old women pretending to be 24: Eventually even Botox can't fix everything.
No new episodes of "Squidbillies:" Hey Williams Street, get off your asses and crank out some more.
People that talk during that survivalist movie I was watching today at the Crossroads Film Festival: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Snails: Move faster, bitches.
Giant trucks: Your too loud, tone that engine down a notch.

Favorite things:
Billy Joe Shaver and Unknown Hinson: Boys, you need to stop playing just Texas and Georgia, respectively and haul your asses to the Great State.
My car: Badfuckingass.
My new golf club I won: Yea, thats right. I won it.
Myspace: Hi, I'm the Expatriate, and I am an addict.
Fenians and Hal and Mals: Obviously.
School: Psyche.

Ok, I'm tired. I'll post tomorrow, hopefully, something bette