That Movie Guy

Small gripe today. Who is that son of a bitch who does all the trailer movie voice-overs? Jeez. I despise that person with all my being. Speaking of trailers, I’m exhausted with them. I have a suspicion that the accountants and marketing directors have taken control of the movie industry. Oh, Expatriate, you may say, you are so naïve! That has been happening for years! Well of course it is, it just seems more pronounced today. I’m tired of flipping on the television, seeing a trailer and then having expectations of what the movie should be. Example: Cloverfield. The marketing campaign was much better than the actual movie. Jesus. Everyone was all freaked out. “What’s this movie about? Is it a monster? Is the monster some H.P. Lovecraft creature? Is it a giant walking Filet Mignon?” Then I saw the damn thing, almost got sick do to the “documentary cam” and left feeling so happy that the monster had destroyed New York, laid waste to some jack-asses, and praying that I would find the 8 dollars I spent watching the damn thing. The trailer was good, the movie sucked. Hard.

Back to the movie voice-over guy. How does he warp his voice into that trance-like baritone? Is he trying to subliminally implant suggestions about what the movie is supposed to be? Perhaps. I am keeping an eye out for you, voice-over guy. Or maybe I should say an ear. Keep your cult trance-talk to yourself!

I have to say, though, the last good trailer I have seen was for “There Will Be Blood.” No voice-over guy, basic scenes, slight dialogue from the lead character. The preview was exactly like the movie would be. That’s what we need. Subtly.

Lest we not forget, children, what the Bard said:

“Brevity is the soul of wit.”

Take note, Hollywood fucks.

Money and Death

Yesterday we had our 'scared straight' infomercial about repaying out student loans. I expected to see a mangled older guy wearing prison blues to come in and scream at us about being a bitch in prison because he couldn't make his payments. Fortunately, my imagination is never as good as reality. We all crammed ourselves into a room and a contracted company displayed powerpoint presentation featuring such hits as, "Make a Budget! Don't Forget to Save!" and everyone's favorite, "Consolidation Blues." After a full hour of this tripe, I noticed that a recurring phrase was "death or permanent physical incapacitation will discharge your loans." Its like they were alluding to the fact that the only way you get out of paying is dying or suffering a horrible head injury. As if there is no way to pay your loans in full and the only fate you have to look forward to is being 80 and still paying a couple of grand a month in loan payments or dying and getting out of it.

Redneckin'

I have discovered the greatest country music singer/songwriter of all time. Ok, wait. Strike that. I have discovered two of the greatest country/western singer /songwriters of all time. Hells bells, these boys is where its at! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, may I present Billy Joe Shaver and Unknown Hinson. For whatever reason tonight, seeing as I'm bored as shit and can't drag myself to write anything meaningful on here or to my stories I'm working on, I felt it was my God given duty to investigate kick ass singers who participate in my favorite cartoon, "Squidbillies." Unknown Hinson is a country singer who voices the main character in "Squidbillies" and Billy Joe Shaver performs the theme song to the show. Both equally great in their lyrics and styles, I suggest every one of you sons of bitches get your asses on Myspace and look them the hell up. Jesus, I'm feeling pretty redneck tonight.
Since I'm feeling pretty redneck tonight, I'm going to red-state it up for you bitches out there, so here are a few of my gripes, hates, and favorite things, speaking from my redneck perspective this eveningtime.

Gripes:
Frank Melton: What the fuck is his problem? Get with the program and do you damn job.
Censorship: Censor this, motherfucker.
The Clarion Ledger: Wake the hell up and smell the corruption.
The Jackson Free Press: Quit patting yourself on the back, your not that important.
Jam Bands: Get a damn job or play better music.
Jackasses: Yea, I can't stand you bastards.
Liberals: Not everything is Bush's fault. Just most things.
Conservatives: Not everything can be solved by Hank Williams Jr. Just most things.
NRA: Your membership dues are too fucking expensive.
ACLU: Your not the sole protector of the Constitution. I am.

Hates:
Drugs: Crack and Crystal and all that other shit.
50 year old women pretending to be 24: Eventually even Botox can't fix everything.
No new episodes of "Squidbillies:" Hey Williams Street, get off your asses and crank out some more.
People that talk during that survivalist movie I was watching today at the Crossroads Film Festival: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Snails: Move faster, bitches.
Giant trucks: Your too loud, tone that engine down a notch.

Favorite things:
Billy Joe Shaver and Unknown Hinson: Boys, you need to stop playing just Texas and Georgia, respectively and haul your asses to the Great State.
My car: Badfuckingass.
My new golf club I won: Yea, thats right. I won it.
Myspace: Hi, I'm the Expatriate, and I am an addict.
Fenians and Hal and Mals: Obviously.
School: Psyche.

Ok, I'm tired. I'll post tomorrow, hopefully, something bette

Hip-Hop

Ok, I haven't talked about music in a few days, so I thought I would. Whats my problem with Hip-Hop? Well the biggest problem I have with rap and Hip-Hop is that, today, there is a serious lack of social consciousness being sold. Sure, there are some great rappers out there who still talk about serious issues, such as Mos Def, but on the whole, Hip-Hop is just selling a lifestyle to the masses. Whether it be inner city poor youth who embrace the glamorous lifestyle of Bentleys and 22s, or the white suburbanite kids who despise conformity and find their outlet in P.Diddy, everyone seems duped into believing the hype. Here in Jackson, there are several local rappers who bill themselves as the real deal, however I still find it hard to believe. Just looking at some of their websites and Myspace pages makes me wonder about whether or not their is a real future for Hip-Hop. Not only are the kids being lured into buying into an unattainable lifestyle, but rappers just starting out buy into the same thing. Basically, Hip-Hop is now crushed into an "American Idol" type business structure. A million rappers try out and only 1 gets a shot. However, there is no Simon or Paula or even a Randy. There is no stop-gap to keep out the shit. In the end, local rappers play dress up and promote a lifestyle they don't even have. Who eats it in the end? The kids with disposable income.

I guess what I am trying to say is selling a lifestyle does not last. That is a short term gain, because the same kids who buy into the lifestyle at an early age, tire of it as they grow older and understand the truths of the world. Hopefully.