Years and years ago, back in the dim times, before the last ice age ended, a little show popped up on television called "The Simple Life." Now when I heard about this show, I have to say I was initially excited. I know, I know, dear reader. "How can the Expatriate confess this sin! He is a critic through and through. Well I am, but we all have our failings. Perfection is not of this earth. Anywho, I began watching the show with the hope of this "fish out of water" story heralding a new era where everyone would wise up about just how distant and delusional celebrities are. At the start, it was funny. I liked watching Paris and Nicole fall face first into a big steaming pile of horse shit. I liked when Paris asked, with all sincerity, "what is walmart?" Now I'm just sick of it. After a couple of seasons, their stock has just risen. A few sex tapes later, and they are "businesswomen." Jesus.
Lets do the rundown of how detached celebrities are.
1) Tom Cruise- what can you say about this guy? I love to hear that he has "handlers." LOL. Its like he is a rare white tiger who everyone is hoping will breed. I can only hope for sterility. Whoops. Too late.
2) John Travolta- Vincent Vega recently was quoted as saying "I'm as big as Elvis and Marilyn." Yea right. The last great movie you did was "Pulp Fiction." You and Tom need to leave the Scientology at the alien temple or wherever the hell you worship and maybe borrow a few of Cruise's handlers.
3) Alec Baldwin- Nice tirade on the answering machine. Calling your twelve year old daughter a "pig." Gosh, I just know she'll grow up with no emotional issues.
4) Paris, Britney, Nicole, and Lindsey- Remember that episode of "Southpark" where everyone was shopping at that store called "Dumb Slut" or something like that? LOL.
There are tons of shows like "The Simple Life" around. Celebrity Fit Club, I love New York, and the Surreal World as just a few examples. As you can tell I have gotten tired of using quotes. Anywho, I propose a new idea for a celebrity show. This show would be called "Really Real Life." They get a bunch of self absorbed celebrities that can't keep their fucking mouths shut or keep from doing stupid shit and make them live together. Sounds familiar, right? Wrong. In this show, these celebrities agree to freeze all their assets and money for the period of one year. They all have to move to south Mississippi and live in a 4 bedroom, small house. On top of that, since they don't have money, they all have to use their own skills and educations to get jobs. Local regular jobs, not a bunch of made up shit. Then they have to pay rent, food, living expense and everything. They can only take with them the clothes on their backs. No cellphones, pdas, computers, nothing. They have to aquire everything as they go along. I think it would be great. Morgan Spurlock, the guy from "Supersize Me" did this experiment with his wife for 30 days on his show, "30 Days." It was a real struggle for him and his wife, and they seem like level-headed people. Imagine Tom Cruise, John Travola, Paris Hilton, Rosie O'Donnell and Alec Baldwin trying to get a job at a school or factory. So thats my pitch, someone get on the phone to Hollywood and get it produced.