Trying, Trying, Trying

Ok, so recently one of my avid readers, and I suspect one of my only readers accused me of not blogging enough. I have decided to make it up to everyone, so here goes.

What have I been doing? Well, in not so many words, trying to get a job. I have concluded that I really don't want to practice law so I apply to everything available where I think a law degree my prove useful to someone or some corporation or company or demonic wiccan cult of Mormons. Ok, that last one was a joke. I would never apply to a demonic wiccan cult of Mormons unless they had a pretty good insurance plan.

The problem with applying to everything under the sun is that either a) HR departments that post jobs on websites only do that for shits and giggles, because I have yet to hear back from any of them or b) a law degree can hurt you. I say hurt you, because I mean that I wonder if people think I'm joking or not serious. Goddammit I am.

I was eating at Broad Street the other day and found myself starring at a stack of applications for servers and cooks. Jesus Christ.

What else have I been up to? Well my insomnia has been raging lately. A few days ago, I didn't sleep for about 30 hours. I was delirious and felt like I was high. I rode around and realized that I probably should not be driving. Finally, I fell asleep for a few hours. My friend informed me that it can take up to a month to satisfy the "sleep debt" that your body incurs from non regular sleeping patterns. It will probably take me more like a year to repair the damage. Mostly, I look for jobs, drink a bit and worry about the bar.

I tried calling back the only job where I actually got a few interviews with. The guy is out of the state. I wonder if they just tell me that shit, or if its actually true. Word around the camp fire is that they are going to make a decision this week on who made the cut. Its like trying to be the most popular kid. You wear a nice suit, laugh at alot of jokes, but the whole time your thinking, "give me the goddamn job!"

Applying for jobs on the internet is strange. All these damn websites post all these jobs, but mostly they are for truck drivers or work from home scams involving stuffing envelopes.

I'll keep it up, though.

Dumb Fucking Celebrities

Years and years ago, back in the dim times, before the last ice age ended, a little show popped up on television called "The Simple Life." Now when I heard about this show, I have to say I was initially excited. I know, I know, dear reader. "How can the Expatriate confess this sin! He is a critic through and through. Well I am, but we all have our failings. Perfection is not of this earth. Anywho, I began watching the show with the hope of this "fish out of water" story heralding a new era where everyone would wise up about just how distant and delusional celebrities are. At the start, it was funny. I liked watching Paris and Nicole fall face first into a big steaming pile of horse shit. I liked when Paris asked, with all sincerity, "what is walmart?" Now I'm just sick of it. After a couple of seasons, their stock has just risen. A few sex tapes later, and they are "businesswomen." Jesus.

Lets do the rundown of how detached celebrities are.

1) Tom Cruise- what can you say about this guy? I love to hear that he has "handlers." LOL. Its like he is a rare white tiger who everyone is hoping will breed. I can only hope for sterility. Whoops. Too late.

2) John Travolta- Vincent Vega recently was quoted as saying "I'm as big as Elvis and Marilyn." Yea right. The last great movie you did was "Pulp Fiction." You and Tom need to leave the Scientology at the alien temple or wherever the hell you worship and maybe borrow a few of Cruise's handlers.

3) Alec Baldwin- Nice tirade on the answering machine. Calling your twelve year old daughter a "pig." Gosh, I just know she'll grow up with no emotional issues.

4) Paris, Britney, Nicole, and Lindsey- Remember that episode of "Southpark" where everyone was shopping at that store called "Dumb Slut" or something like that? LOL.

There are tons of shows like "The Simple Life" around. Celebrity Fit Club, I love New York, and the Surreal World as just a few examples. As you can tell I have gotten tired of using quotes. Anywho, I propose a new idea for a celebrity show. This show would be called "Really Real Life." They get a bunch of self absorbed celebrities that can't keep their fucking mouths shut or keep from doing stupid shit and make them live together. Sounds familiar, right? Wrong. In this show, these celebrities agree to freeze all their assets and money for the period of one year. They all have to move to south Mississippi and live in a 4 bedroom, small house. On top of that, since they don't have money, they all have to use their own skills and educations to get jobs. Local regular jobs, not a bunch of made up shit. Then they have to pay rent, food, living expense and everything. They can only take with them the clothes on their backs. No cellphones, pdas, computers, nothing. They have to aquire everything as they go along. I think it would be great. Morgan Spurlock, the guy from "Supersize Me" did this experiment with his wife for 30 days on his show, "30 Days." It was a real struggle for him and his wife, and they seem like level-headed people. Imagine Tom Cruise, John Travola, Paris Hilton, Rosie O'Donnell and Alec Baldwin trying to get a job at a school or factory. So thats my pitch, someone get on the phone to Hollywood and get it produced.

Redneckin'

I have discovered the greatest country music singer/songwriter of all time. Ok, wait. Strike that. I have discovered two of the greatest country/western singer /songwriters of all time. Hells bells, these boys is where its at! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, may I present Billy Joe Shaver and Unknown Hinson. For whatever reason tonight, seeing as I'm bored as shit and can't drag myself to write anything meaningful on here or to my stories I'm working on, I felt it was my God given duty to investigate kick ass singers who participate in my favorite cartoon, "Squidbillies." Unknown Hinson is a country singer who voices the main character in "Squidbillies" and Billy Joe Shaver performs the theme song to the show. Both equally great in their lyrics and styles, I suggest every one of you sons of bitches get your asses on Myspace and look them the hell up. Jesus, I'm feeling pretty redneck tonight.
Since I'm feeling pretty redneck tonight, I'm going to red-state it up for you bitches out there, so here are a few of my gripes, hates, and favorite things, speaking from my redneck perspective this eveningtime.

Gripes:
Frank Melton: What the fuck is his problem? Get with the program and do you damn job.
Censorship: Censor this, motherfucker.
The Clarion Ledger: Wake the hell up and smell the corruption.
The Jackson Free Press: Quit patting yourself on the back, your not that important.
Jam Bands: Get a damn job or play better music.
Jackasses: Yea, I can't stand you bastards.
Liberals: Not everything is Bush's fault. Just most things.
Conservatives: Not everything can be solved by Hank Williams Jr. Just most things.
NRA: Your membership dues are too fucking expensive.
ACLU: Your not the sole protector of the Constitution. I am.

Hates:
Drugs: Crack and Crystal and all that other shit.
50 year old women pretending to be 24: Eventually even Botox can't fix everything.
No new episodes of "Squidbillies:" Hey Williams Street, get off your asses and crank out some more.
People that talk during that survivalist movie I was watching today at the Crossroads Film Festival: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Snails: Move faster, bitches.
Giant trucks: Your too loud, tone that engine down a notch.

Favorite things:
Billy Joe Shaver and Unknown Hinson: Boys, you need to stop playing just Texas and Georgia, respectively and haul your asses to the Great State.
My car: Badfuckingass.
My new golf club I won: Yea, thats right. I won it.
Myspace: Hi, I'm the Expatriate, and I am an addict.
Fenians and Hal and Mals: Obviously.
School: Psyche.

Ok, I'm tired. I'll post tomorrow, hopefully, something bette

In Between Commercials, Next to Hugh Grant, and Down the Street at the Theater

Reader! I want you to think about something right now! Exactly how many movies that are out in theaters right now, do you really want to go see? In between "Girls Gone Wild" commercials and after the Super Bowl tonight, I saw a preview for that new movie with Drew Barrymore and Hugh Grant, and it looks like grade A shit. I started thinking about the rest of the world class crap that is floating around in theaters today, and I realized that for the last so many years, there is rarely a time when 2 or 3 movies are in the theaters at one time that are worth my fucking time. On top of this pure rage about crappy movies, I have decided that I am tired of that horse's ass who does the voice overs for endearing, heartfelt movies. You know the guy I'm talking about. During the previews to any movie that has to do with couples falling in love in the most dumbshit ways, this one guy's voice is always there, narrating the preview and basically setting up the entire movie for droves of women to drag masses of unhappy men to a local theater. God I am angry tonight. I think its the fact that I have an early class, I didn't go outside at all today and despite a decent game, the Super Bowl just wasn't that interesting this year.